The Past Does Not Watch Over Us
Brian M. Milton
I first saw my Grandpa’s death when I was five. It was frightening being dragged away from the younger cousins, bouncing randomly in the low grav ball pit, and forced to join the adults for the viewing. At five no one wants to do what their parents tell them, especially in front of all the aunts and uncles. But add in that we were all going to see my Grandpa, who I knew had died long before I was born, and it was terrifying. All I really remember is crying. It wasn’t until long afterwards that the awful clarity of what I was seeing, my Grandpa forever departing this universe, really sank in.
#
From as early as I can remember I knew that we orbited a black hole and that Einie (or Survey Beacon Einstein as it was officially known) was initially, before it grew into a larger market and transit point, put there to both warn travellers and to study it at as close quarters as you could safely get. Each year that minimum safe distance increased slightly as the hole grew and each year, to mark the New Year, the station would shudder as its thrusters fired, pushing it into a higher orbit and keeping us ahead of the growth. That made two annual events that the hole gave me, Lifting Day and Grandfather Day.
Not that I had to wait for the annual family gathering to see my Grandpa. At any time I could call up an image of the black hole on a screen and zoom to that location on the event horizon. I could tweak the focus and eventually the blurry white blob would resolve as the cameras picked up the few photons that had escaped from that close to the hole. The image would build into the white suit and chunky exoskeleton of an External Engineer and, with patience, eventually allow details to be seen. The jets futilely firing against the gravity of the looming black mass below. The strained grimace of my Grandpa. The look of despair in his eyes and the discoloured stain of spilt soup on his greying beard. The set of chunky dials on his arm that showed fuel and oxygen levels and the time. Apparently it was an old regulation from the earliest days in space that analogue dials were required as a form of fail-safe, alongside the more practical digital heads-up displays. It was the image of that chunky chronometer, frozen, unmoving in time, and a school lesson on time dilation, that first set me thinking
#
“Dad, is Grandpa actually there?” I pointed at the image of the black hole in the middle of my half completed lesson homework.
“Of course he is, you can see that.”
“But how can he be? He fell into the hole thirty years ago.”
“You can see him right there. Black holes are odd things, Janet, and best not thought about too much. Leave that to the scientists and we engineers can get on with keeping the air in and the asteroids out.”
“We had a lesson on Time Dilation today. Can you help me with it? I think it means something about Grandpa.”
“What did I just say? Leave that to the scientists. Your Grandpa was an External Engineer, I’m an External Engineer and that’s what you’ll be. No need to worry about any of that time nonsense. Without External Engineers, bravely going outside to maintain the hull and solar panels and to clear away passing debris, mankind would never have got this far into space. For all the scientist’s cleverness they’ve never bettered a hard working person just getting out there and doing it. That’s something to be proud of and a great tradition to be part of. Keep to the practical, Janet. It’s practical that’ll get your Grandfather back one day. Science gets as many people killed as it saves.”
#
This answer annoyed me and only pushed me on to doing more science. I read all the books on gravity and relativity that I could find. I became quite the know it all about Einstein, Hawking, Li, Al-Hussein and the other greats. Considering the station was named after him there was a lamentable lack of general knowledge about Albert amongst the non-scientist population. I pestered my teachers constantly for more in-depth explanations of the black hole, desperate to know how it worked. But I was only in my teens. My teachers couldn’t tell me and I had vast amounts to learn before I could look at the physics myself. So I took to reading and watching all the fiction on it too. None of it really fitted with my understanding and, in fact, much of it agreed with my father. But I hoovered up everything I could find, ever hungry for more information.
#
“Janet, are you watching that daft film again?” My father had just returned from his shift to find me half way through an ancient film set near to a black hole. There was barely any part of the science that the film makers had got right. Most obviously in the depiction of the ship that the heroes used to get to the hole. The smallest child, after a couple of visits to the zero g play area, could tell that. It was very unlikely it would help clarify any of my nagging doubts but I was willing to try anything.
“It’s just a film dad. From before mankind left the Solar System. Just a bit of harmless nonsense.”
“Nonsense? Obsession more like. I’ve discussed this with your mother and we’re going to increase the restrictions on your viewing.”
“But why, dad? I’m just trying to learn.”
“This is not just about learning and you know it. We both know this is about your Grandfather. Don’t think I can’t see through your lies, Janet. I’ve asked you many times to let this lie and to show some respect for your Grandfather. If you won’t do what I ask then I’m going to have to force you so, after dinner, I’m revising your permissions on the entertainment system. Any mention of black holes will be automatically blocked.”
True to his word, my father blocked access and I had to visit friends and use their systems instead if I wanted to see anything. Which I did, often.
#
An unintended consequence of this lock was that it began to affect my schoolwork. My teacher at the time, Ms. Chandla, was bemused when I first told her I could not access certain books and videos. By the third time it happened she was furious and so went to see my father.
“Mr. Menzies, I need to have a word with you about this block you’ve put on Janet’s viewing.”
“What’s it to you? Is a father not allowed to decide what’s good for his daughter?”
“Well of course, but this blanket ban on so much science, it’s not good for her education.”
“It’s not a blanket ban. There’s plenty of engineering, biology, chemistry and other stuff she can do.”
“Yes, but why not physics? It’s what got mankind out into the stars, it’s the reason we are all here.”
“But what use is this nonsense? Time running faster over here, wormholes over there, so many strange theories that have no practical use and that kill those who try to put them into practice.”
“But everything starts as theory and has to be tested. Practical and theoretical go together. Plenty of your colleagues put those theories to practical test when they’re not doing maintenance. Many have gone into the job for that very opportunity.”
“Testing out scientist’s theories is what got my father trapped out there. If he’d stuck to practical, sensible things we all can see and agree on he’d be here today. I will not have that happen to any others of my family. Now kindly leave before I call security.”
Lying on my bed listening to this I suddenly realised I didn’t know what my grandpa was doing when he fell into the hole. I was going to have to spend more time using friend’s access logins if I was going to find out.
#
It was the year I turned 16 that it all came to a head.
“But you have to come along, Janet. It’s your Grandfather’s anniversary.” My mother leaned on the doorway into my room. “You know this happens every year.”
“When did you first attend, Mum? What did you think of it when Dad first told you?”
“Everyone’s family has get-togethers. All with reasons that make sense to them. I had an aunt who was insistent that everyone met up to celebrate her grandmother’s birthday. Something to do with being the first woman on some planet somewhere. Not that anyone knew where, not even Aunt Mary. But she insisted that this woman be celebrated and it was easier to go along with it. I’ll admit your Dad’s family’s reason is a bit macabre but it brings everyone together and isn’t that the most important part?”
“But Dad and Uncle Angus really believe it. It’s nice to see all the cousins, not that you can exactly lose them on a station this size, but do we have to have the images of Grandpa and Dad’s stupid speech.”
My mother smiled wanly at me. “It’s just one day a year. You don’t have to do anything, just be there. Please.”
#
I went and I tried to keep quiet. I stood by the buffet, eating biscuits and trying to keep away from any conversations more involved than basic small talk. I almost got away with it too. Then my father’s speech took a change from the usual.
“Today is always special. It’s the day we look out and see my father, Ronald Menzies, and remind ourselves of his sacrifice, coming out to Einie and creating a family here before his tragic accident. Sent too close to the black hole by scientists bent on knowledge at any cost and then abandoned when things went wrong. But it’s also the day we look towards him, look at him frozen on the edge of the black hole and say, one day, we will get you back. If you can balance on the edge for so long it’s only right that we will see you safe and back again someday. One day we, as a family, will have enough money to build the robot grab that we designed to rescue you.
“But that is not the only reason to celebrate today. For my daughter is now 16. Come forward Janet, let everyone see you.”
I edged forward, fearing what he was about to say.
“Don’t be shy, Janet. You should be proud. Today you can look at your grandfather, frozen out there, and tell him that you are to be the first of his grandchildren to apprentice as an External Engineer.”
I was stunned. What was he saying? Where had this come from?
My father laughed. “You look so surprised. I know this is a bit sudden but I only just arranged it with my boss. You’ll be taken on in the hanger and start your training in two months. I thought it would be good for you to talk to your grandfather about it.”
My father beamed an idiot grin and all my extended family, more than 30 people eating my Aunt Rupali’s pakora and cautiously sipping the punch made with my Uncle Silas’ Tomato Wine, turned to look at me. I almost turned and left, but then my father pointed at the screen where my grandpa’s image floated and I lost control.
“What the hell are you on about? I’m not going to apprentice to the hanger. I’ve still got two more years of basic lessons and then I can apply for the advanced courses.”
The colour drained from my father’s face and his voice came out in a strangled whisper. “But you have to apprentice. For your grandfather, he’s watching.”
“No he bloody well isn’t. If you’d bothered to do any investigation you would know that.”
“Not this again. Of course he is, we can see him right there.”
“Oh, you can see him alright, but that’s just an after-image. An effect of the stupidly high gravity warping space-time and making it appear as if he’s frozen. He fell over the event horizon long before the photons that make up the image got to here. How can you live around a black hole and have no idea of time dilation making things appear to slow as they get closer to the hole? Time for him may flow slower than for us higher up the gravity well but we can’t get to him. If you went there now you’d still be thirty years too late and then fall into the black hole like an idiot.”
The colour had returned to my father’s cheeks now, flushing them red with anger as my words sprayed at him through the shocked silence of the rest of the room. “How dare you say that in front of your grandfather! That man put everything into supporting his family without any need to talk of time dilation or any other nonsense. You only have to look to see his sacrifice, it’s there for everyone to see. You will start this apprenticeship and I will not hear another word about it.”
“How can I say that in front of him? Because he understood it. He actively volunteered to repair the experiment rig and knew exactly the risks he ran that close to the hole. If you’d ever bothered to listen to the audio from that last trip, he says so. But you were too busy blaming all of life’s problems on something you never even tried to understand. Clearly we have found something that can warp space-time even more than that black hole. Your stupidity.” I screamed the last word at him, turned and left, never to see him again.
#
I stayed the next few nights with friends and then got myself a part time job in the station market while I paid my way through my education. Einie is not that big a place and there were many awkward moments when I bumped into members of my family. But I ensured I kept out of my father’s way and he never came to see me. I struggled through my lessons for three years, never really getting my head around the physics as well as I wanted to but did learn enough to know I was right and my father was wrong. Once I admitted to myself I could learn no more I signed on to a survey ship that was passing the station and left. Relativistic speeds mean I’ll never see any of my family again but one will always stay with me. I still have that image of my grandpa, caught on the cusp of death. By now his image will have faded from view back at Einie, all the photons having finally climbed out of the gravity well, but I have the image saved to my personal storage. Not that I need it. I have looked at it so often that I could describe every pixel.
I now know exactly how quickly he died and why his image remained for so long, apparently frozen in time, and it is this knowledge that has given me the opportunity to escape from my father’s plans for me and head out into the wider universe. I keep the image for what it means. In the end my grandpa did inspire me, just not in the way my father hoped.
